Two's a Crowd

Sometimes I feel like two people live inside of me. There’s the one that desires entirely to submit and yield to the purposes of God. She wants to be refined and stretched and challenged and used. She wants to press in and kick butt & take names for Jesus.

I like this girl.

But then there’s this other girl living in me. She’s a lazy, selfish pleasure-seeker who doesn’t want to put forth the effort to pursue wholeness. She’s content to settle into her hang-ups, and she’s indifferent to the opportunities beyond those presented to her.

I despise this girl.

I suppose all this is biblical… the whole spirit vs. flesh thing. And I suppose that on some level we all struggle with this. We all suffer from this inner battle to ascribe righteousness rather than recklessness to our lives. Of course we want to do what is good and right and life giving. Of course! But the broader, more destructive path entices us. It tells us that things will be easier if we just give in. Why press in when we can enjoy some measure of success without exerting much effort? Why contend when we can coast? Maybe coasting doesn’t sound blatantly reckless or destructive, but consider all that’s being neglected or left undone when we sit back and engage only what come to us.

As believers we’ve been called to take ground. We’ve been commissioned to go and make and preach, to advance the Kingdom of God. There is nothing passive about that kind of calling. But my tendency is to let opportunities come to me. I engage that which presents itself to me and then spend the minimum amount of effort required to enjoy success. And I call this faithfulness.

It’s not.

It’s laziness.

I do this in my own life with struggles and brokenness. I whine and complain and ask God to fix me, heal me, free me. And I’m frustrated when it doesn’t happen. But the truth is, I want Him to do all the work. I want my prayer and desire to be all that’s required of me. It doesn’t work that way. If I want healing and freedom and wholeness I will have to contend for it. I will have to make sacrifices, pursue safeguards, and wage war when necessary.

I did this in college (don’t tell my professors). I cannot tell you how many times I wrote papers and mustered only the minimum effort required to land an A. I knew that I could pull it off, but what if I had spent my four years pushing myself, drawing out all the best that was in me? Maybe my grades would have been the same, but I wouldn’t have been.

And most disturbingly, I do this here in China. Everyday I am honored to be a light and voice, to be a tangible expression of God’s love for the people here. I am humbled by the opportunities that the Lord has given me to teach His Word and share His heart. I pray about these things. Sometimes. Usually my prayers begin when the person approaches me, or when I step into the classroom. But what if I spent my mornings on my knees contending for the hearts of those around me? What if I fought for them? What if I engaged heaven and released the will of God in their lives? What if I pursued relationship beyond my office hours? I’ve settled for convenience when I should be counting the cost for the cause of Christ (wow… impressive alliteration there, Jaime).

Complacency and lethargy are parasites of the flesh that eat away at faith life. They’re subtle and seemingly harmless, until the day we discover that our once passionate zeal for the Kingdom has become nothing more than a malnourished desire to be a good person and get into heaven.

The battle against the flesh is more than just resisting temptation and avoiding sin. The flesh is tricky. It seeks to undermine the spirit with “good enoughs” and “that’ll dos.” It tells us that a little effort is enough effort and if healing and progress and freedom don’t come at that expense, then they’ll probably never come. And so we settle. We settle for what comes our way. We settle for what will get us by. I don’t want to settle anymore. I want my life with Jesus to be filled with opportunities He brings and opportunities I seek Him for. I want to be proactive and vigilant in seeing the Kingdom come, His will done.

The passive, complacent, apathetic, lethargic girl living in me is going to need to find new digs. She’s not welcome anymore.

“There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.”

“Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.”

“Continue earnestly in prayer, being vigilant in it with thanksgiving.”

“The Kingdom of heaven suffers violence and the violent take it by force.”

“How long will you neglect to go and possess the land which the Lord God of your father has given you?” 

Meltdown

Let me just begin by saying that it is hotter than BLAZES in Qingdao right now. It’s not that the temperature is so high, it’s the gosh darn humidity. The weather can appear to be perfectly lovely, nice and warm with a gentle breeze off the Yellow Sea, and then BLAM! Humidity punches you in the face and puts you in a chokehold. Is it possible for air to be chunky? Because it sure feels chunky here sometimes and it makes it hard to breathe. It’s also quite dirty. There’s lots of dust in the air and when it’s mixed with the moisture it becomes a lovely dust particle skin treatment that you get under your fingernails when you scratch all your mosquito bites. I guess it could be considered a kind of exfoliating. There are probably spas here that market it to gullible foreigners.

It wouldn’t be so bad if I drove. The problem is all the walking. I can leave my lovely air-conditioned home, walk ten minutes to my lovely air-conditioned school, and by the time I’m there I find myself soaking wet with misshapen, droopy clothes, hair stuck to my neck and face, and an overall sense of nasty, sweaty grossness. It’s unfortunate. I think I prefer to be cold. I’m much more comfortable bundled and chilly than I am sweaty and overheated.

You know what Chinese men do when they get hot?

This.

 

If only I had no shame…

So, I’ve been in China for six months. July 13 was my anniversary and I celebrated by having an emotional meltdown (I think that’s the standard six month anniversary gift actually, like gold on your 50th). My mom and I were skyping and the topic of dads came up. I have a long and sordid dad story and the Lord has been so gracious and caring and present in that daddy place throughout my life. I have been spared so much, but I am not without my father issues and on this day they came welling out of me in dramatic sobs. My poor mom, she was confined to a computer screen and, I’m sure, felt rather helpless in bringing me sufficient comfort.

It’s interesting the things that Jesus is addressing in my life while I’m here. I feel quite vulnerable in this foreign land without all my people; without my fallbacks and comforts; without my hideouts where I can avoid dealing with hard things. It’s like I’m being stripped bare. God is peeling back my facades and uncovering all the things I’ve camouflaged with optimism and sunshine and cheerfulness. He’s asking me to be honest. He’s asking me to confront unmet expectations and come to terms with the possibility that they may only be resolved and/or fulfilled in Him. And He’s asking me to be okay with that.

It makes me feel like a pouty three year-old who’s upset about not getting her way. I’ve shrouded my disappointment in compliance, but it’s still there. Underneath all the “it’s okays” and “I don’t minds” I’m discovering this stubborn, clinging part of myself. It’s not angry or resentful, it’s resolute. There is a part of me that refuses to let go of hope. Hope is not bad, but this hope is on my terms. And it’s primarily related to my dad. The three year-old in me is still waiting for the magical father-daughter reunion. She is still looking out the window hoping her daddy-knight-in-shining-armor will ride up on his horse and take her away with him. She is still imagining he wants her.

I wish I could send in 30 year-old Jaime to have a good, rational discussion with her, but there’s nothing rational or relenting about this girl’s hope. It’s something that only Jesus can address. It’s something only He can touch and transform into the kind of hope that brings healing and wholeness.

And I’m okay with that.

I’ve got a few more months in China and I’m sure I have a whole mess of things God wants to address in me. My heart is open and I’m okay with whatever He says because He knows best.

But I’m still not okay with the humidity.

Wants & Wonderings

Sometimes it’s really difficult for me to be honest about my desires. There are definite things that I want in life, but I struggle even to allow myself to voice them. I don’t know if it’s because I’m afraid that on some level what I want isn’t healthy or right, or because maybe I feel like only the less spiritual would admit such longings. Regardless, I have dreams and hopes and desires yet unmet.

I’m not bitter. I’m not cynical or desperate or hopeless. I guess I’m just wondering. I’m wondering when and where and why and how and IF all these bottled-up wants will come about. I suppose you’re thinking that my longings have to do with getting married, having a family, typical girl stuff.

They do.

But that’s not all.

I want to stop being insecure.

I want to have discipline.

I want to write and actually enjoy it.

I want to travel the world and make Christ and His love known.

I want to be okay with hard work and sacrifice.

I want to feel beautiful.

I want to feel established as a grown-up.

*the fact that I say “grown-up” instead of “adult” attests to my lack of feeling established

I want to be entrusted with something bigger than me.

I want people to see more than niceness and sweetness when they look at me.

I want to be bold and confident and unshakable.

I want a man to think I’m adorable.

I want to never wonder if that man will stop loving me.

I want to raise children consecrated to God and His purposes.

I want to sing and play the guitar really well.

I want to be healthier.

I want to exercise and eat right and actually see it through.

I want to know my dad.

I want to break down misconceptions concerning God.

I want my life to be utterly confounding to those around me.

I want my faith and obedience to challenge and encourage others.

I want my message and preaching to demonstrate the Spirit’s power.

I want to see miracles.

I want every person I meet to know that they’re worthwhile.

I want to laugh really hard every day.

I want contentment.

I want to see whatever it is that Jesus sees in me.

I want to voice my opinions with conviction, even at the expense of looking dumb.

I want to stop fearing rejection.

I want to live on the same continent as my friends and family.

I want to be braver.

I want to NOT want all these things and JUST want Jesus.

It’s hard.

I know these are good things and I know it’s okay for me to want them. What I have to work against is being controlled by them. I have to fight the urge to let their fulfillment, or lack thereof, dictate how I feel about myself, my life, my worth. That’s why I want Christ to replace them. I want Him at the center. If all I want is Him, then I will never be disappointed. Jesus Christ is always a sure thing – His love, His plan, His purpose – and if He is my focus then my satisfaction hinges on Him, not on what He gives or takes away.

“I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength.”  -Philippians 4:12b-13

This China life is teaching me a lot about trusting God.

Please pardon the cheesy graphics (close your eyes or something so you don't have to feel embarrassed watching it), but this song is a beautiful expression of this whole process of trusting God... All My Devotion, by Kristene Mueller

Deception

The other day, just before I was getting ready to leave for work, I heard this really loud buzzing sound coming from my bathroom. I stuck my head in to investigate and the buzzing was so loud and intense that I instantly squealed, ducked and ran out, having no idea what exactly was buzzing (reflex reaction… apparently I’m a flighter, not a fighter). I thought about just closing the door and letting whatever was in there die of starvation or something, but then I thought about it escaping into other realms of my house and I just wasn't okay with the idea of waking up with an oversized insect monster on my pillow. So I put my brave face on and walked (or maybe cowered) into the bathroom, checking every corner and crevasse for the buzzing culprit. My plan was to first identify my opponent and then select the weapon with which to bludgeon it (plunger, flip-flop, giant glass vase to trap and suffocate it with). As I continued my inspection, I noticed that the sound got louder as I closed in on the toilet, so I surveyed all the sides... nothing. Then I thought, "Hm. Is that my toilet buzzing?" It does this trickling water thing where I often have to tap the flush-button to make it stop and I thought maybe it was worth a shot to see if that same trick would make the scary buzzing stop. I cautiously approached the flush-button and did one last squealy jump backwards when the buzzing warbled and it seemed that maybe some ghastly winged creature was flying at my head. Recomposed, resolute and undeterred, I set forth again, tapped the button, and what do you know? The buzzing stopped. 

I hate it when toilets make scary China bug sounds. It causes unnecessary alarm and squealing. The whole episode reminded me of Buddy the Elf when he encountered the horrible noise coming from the evil box under the window (the radiator). Sometimes household appliances are just downright scary. Is a toilet an appliance? 

Courtesy vs. Confrontation

“For He whom God has sent speaks the words of God, for God does not give the Spirit by measure.”  John 3:34

Jesus said some of the most confusing things! Reading his conversation with Nicodemus is just downright confusing. Jesus, what are you talking about? Poor Nicodemus just wanted to find out if Jesus was the messiah or not, but instead he’s met with all this talk about being born again and testimonies from heaven and such. I think I probably would have said something like, “Give it to me straight, Jesus!” But the thing about Jesus was that He was never really concerned with answering the questions people thought they had. He posed new questions and/or addressed the question/answer they needed. He didn’t mind confounding people. He didn’t mind leaving them to ponder and consider truth on their own. He always knew exactly what should be said, and it was rarely what people wanted to hear. He spoke the words of God, drawing from a limitless well of wisdom, knowledge and insight made available by the Holy Spirit. “God does not give the Spirit by measure.”

Sometimes I think I get a little preoccupied with telling people what I think they want to hear. I don’t like stirring the pot. I don’t like confronting the exclusivity of my faith, especially if it causes people to walk away or be offended. But Jesus wasn’t afraid. Jesus didn’t avoid talking about the difficulties of following Him and embracing His message. I think if I operated more like Jesus and less like me, I would find that I say exactly what needs to be said at the precise time it needs to be said – even if people walk away; even if people think I’m foolish or crazy or close-minded. I’m not doing anyone any favors by making the Gospel easy to swallow. It is Good News, but it’s a narrow road.

If I want to be effective, if I want to say what needs to be said, then I must draw from that same limitless well that Jesus did. I must speak the words of God by the measureless power of the Holy Spirit. It’s the only way I can know I’m saying the right thing at the right time. And it’s the only way I can have assurance that even if someone walks away, they heard what they needed to hear.

Lord, forgive me for being more concerned with courtesy than with confrontation. Help me, as one who has been sent, to speak Your word by Your Spirit. Help me do so boldly and without regret. Redeem what I’ve squandered and give me more opportunities to engage people the way Jesus did. Give me wisdom and understanding, but more than anything, give me Your presence and Your Spirit’s power. Thank you for including me in Your plans and purposes. I want my life to bring You glory.


This is straight out of my journal. I have more thoughts on all this business and plan to write a follow-up soon... :)

Crucified

Pilate presents the people with a choice... "And he released to them the one they requested, who for rebellion and murder had been thrown into prison; but he delivered Jesus to their will."

Man is perpetually prone to making terrible choices. On this day, when given the choice between a Man who gives life and a man who takes it, the people chose the murderer. In all my spirituality I would like to say with absolute certainty that I would not have made the same choice, but I think my flesh would tell a different story. 

There are moments everyday of my life where I stand with the raging crowd and plead for the life of the murderer. I petition for the rebel. And in so doing, I send Christ to the cross. It's illogical, and when the murderer wreaks havoc on my life, I come to my senses and chase after Christ all the way to Calvary. There He invites me to die with Him, and again I am faced with a choice.

How do I want to die? 

Do I want a destructive death marked by chaos and brokenness and rebellion? Or do I want a death that leads to peace and contentment and life renewed? It's an easy answer and it should be an easy choice. I'm going to die either way.

"Let us also go, that we may die with Him."

"I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live,

but Christ lives in me."

How deep the Father's love for us

How vast beyond all measure

That He would give His only Son

To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss

The Father turns His face away

As wounds which mar the chosen One

Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross

My guilt upon His shoulders

Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice

Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there

Until it was accomplished

His dying breath has brought me life

I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything

No gifts, no powr's, no wisdom

But I will boast in Jesus Christ

His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?

I cannot give an answer

But this I know with all my heart

His wounds have paid my ransom

Letting Story Guide Us

This story was crafted through the joint efforts of my roommate, Kelsey and I (although she was the primary mastermind and overall creative genius/composer of this brilliant work). Enjoy!

Once upon a time, two lovely, beautiful, intelligent, fabulous, hilarious and exceptionally vibrant young women decided to set out to make a story for themselves (thanks, Donald Miller).

The story begins in the bathroom, where all good stories begin. Kelsey, the younger and lower-maintenance of the two, took a mere four minutes to complete her morning dressing, hairstyling and basic cleanliness routine. Jaime, on the other hand, likes to feel extra pretty in her stories. And sometimes feeling pretty requires roughly one hour of general appearance overhaul. Now, feeling presentable and ready for adventure, our ladies left their apartment and entered the bustling world beyond their door.

After taking the elevator down to the newly white-washed, although still smelling slightly of “mystery and intrigue” lobby, the ladies marched out into the bright light of the great outdoors. They were greeted by a multitude of people coming and going, several honking car horns and a giant, inflated Hisense arch that only seems to make appearances on weekends and national holidays.

Since this was May Day (and the beginning of flip-flop season in Qingdao), our two heroines determined that some good old-fashioned rhyming was in order. They spent several minutes rhyming with the words May and Day and then moved onto more complex terminology like option and orange.

They rhymed their way to the bus stop, where they soon discovered that all of Qingdao, and various other Chinese cities, had been given the day off. These smart, environmentally conscientious citizens of the great People’s Republic had opted for the highly efficient Qingdao Public Transit System (QPTS). Before long, a bus without the population of Billings, MT bursting through the windows pulled up to the station. The strikingly attractive, courageous women shoved their way onto this number 228 bus and began their journey west (“go west young (wo)man!”). They decided that they were probably too outnumbered to try and teach their fellow bus riders the American way of the “Personal Space Bubble”.

A mere two stops later, the bus came to a grinding halt and only continued forward in periodic, jerking spurts for the next 20 minutes or more. The air in the bus quickly became stagnant and one young passenger had to make an emergency exit to chuck her morning’s meal on the nearest shrub. She did not re-alight the bus. After an unquantifiable period of time spent standing and bonding with some of their newest, closest friends, Jaime and Kelsey decided it was time for some fresh air and exercise, so they fought their way off the bus and were on their way.

Having exited the bus, the adventurous damsels looked up and down the street at the eternal line of busses and tried, in vain, to count up the number employed by the city of Qingdao. They also waved at their newest fan-base onboard the 228, realizing that their leisurely pace of footfall was more rapid than the movement of the motorized busses. This made them feel like speed demons. Or angels with wings on their feet.

In no time they arrived at Tai Ping Jiao Lu where they decided to cross the congested Xiang Gang Lu and venture into the Great Unknown. The Great Unknown just happened to be a lovely park! They pranced and frolicked their way down the cobblestone pathways and paused only for the most meaningful of photo opportunities.

After enjoying a pleasant man-made water feature, they stumbled upon some rather enticing specialized old people exercise equipment. Being the fitness fanatics that they are, they quickly realized this was the prime opportunity to shoot their newest (and to date most extreme) exercise video for old people and those that will one day be old.

Jaime and Kelsey are so fabulous and white that they cannot go anywhere without being mobbed by adoring passersby. That being the case, while in the midst of their intense video shoot, the ladies were approached by a darling girl with a camera and eager parents dying to take her picture with our heroines.

Spent and ready for more beauty, Kelsey and Jaime made their way towards the oh-so scenic seaside. While seated on a rocky outcropping, they observed old cooking fires, new cooking fires, people eating food prepared on cooking fires, people catching sea life to cook on cooking fires, and of course, many a bridal couple searching for that perfect shot to represent their eternal love for one another.

The duo continued their walk along the seashore where the sweet sounds of Canadian songbird Celine Dion echoed with the crashing ocean waves. Jaime of course had to join in. Kelsey was too busy avoiding the merchants selling their seashell monkeys and squid kabobs. Nothing wets your appetite like the odor of fresh squid flesh being seared on an open flame.

Soon the Number One Bathing Beach appeared on the horizon. Well, it would have appeared had it not been eclipsed by the innumerable hoards of Chinese pleasure seekers seeking pleasure in the sun, sand and surf of Qingdao’s number one bathing beach. 

Intrigued by the size of the world’s most populous country, our little adventure seekers wandered about taking in face after face after face after face. After ample wandering, a twinge of hunger struck their delicate mid-sections. They discussed their options for nourishment and began seeking transportation by which to acquire said nourishment. It was then they realized just how much 1.6 billion is. Finding suitable transportation became a challenge which folk with less faith would label “impossible”. But not these two. No, these two knew that with white skin and minimal language skills, anything is possible in China. Thus began the hunt that would end one ill-fated, directionally challenged bus ride, several long, arduous treks and many failed taxi waves later.

Mr. Ma was a very unsuspecting Knight in Shining Armor. In fact, there was no shining armor in sight, save his meticulously maintained taxi – which despite his efforts in maintenance, seemed to have a flat tire. The brave, although now tiring and devastatingly famished, damsels were in for a longer ride than they had originally anticipated. They should have known when the taxi started traveling the wrong direction that something was amuck. But they trusted Mr. Ma. He had saved them from the treacherous curving overpass where they had desperately sought a way out of the west side. To his credit, Mr. Ma tried to explain in detail what was happening. Unfortunately, his English vocabulary could best be described as “limited”, and our heroines lacked the lingual abilities to translate his explanation. After a few minutes of driving in an area of town neither had seen before, the car stopped at a fix-it shop. It was gently lifted and the tire replaced, all while the ladies lounged comfortably in the back seat.

Tire fixed, our trio was back on the road. In good time, they arrived at their destination: iGo, home of delicious, Turkish delicacies. After a trip to the ladies room, two Turkish burrito things were rapidly inhaled, and the day was punctuated which a mutual sigh of relief and satisfaction.

Our ladies, now nourished and decidedly less agitated, returned to their humble abode (via one last uneventful bus ride where *gasp!* they even got seats) where they proceeded to do a few of their favorite activities: make cookies, eat them, watch The Office and check Facebook.

Overall, it was a splendid day with a story so splendid it was almost beyond description. Almost.