This is from a journal entry I wrote back in October. I stumbled upon it this morning and it completely hit the spot. I thought it was worth sharing...
"Then the Spirit of the Lord will come upon you, and you will prophecy with them and be turned into another man. And let it be when these signs come to you, that you do as the occasion demands, for God is with you... So it was, when he had turned his back to go from Samuel, that God gave him another heart, and all those signs came to pass that day." I Samuel 10:6-7, 9
I can relate to Saul, but I don't want to be like him. Maybe in this experience I do, but not the Saul who loses sight of his calling and purpose; not the Saul who fails to carry out, long term, the new heart, the transformation that took place in his life this day. He reverted, and in his digression sought to prove that he was more than who he argued to be previously (Am I not a Benjamite, of the smallest of the tribes of Israel, and my family is the least of all the families of the tribe of Benjamin?). Oh, but I want to be like Saul on this day. He's anointed king, receives a specific prophetic word and then acts accordingly that it might be fulfilled. AND he was given a new heart! He wasn't just a Benjamite. He wasn't just from the least of all families. He was now the king. He became another man.
I want to become another woman. I'm tired of me. I want a new heart. I want to carry out the prophecy spoken over me. I want to take my position of authority. But I don't want to fail. I don't want to become like Saul. The thing that gets me though, is that God chose Saul knowing that he would fail. He knew he wouldn't be a perfect king, but he would be the right king for the right season.
Saul's brokenness and tendency toward failure did not keep him from being chosen. On the day that he was anointed king he was filled with the Holy Spirit. He was re-created into the man he needed to be. At that point he stood a chance. But as he walked out his anointing, he moved farther and farther away from the Source that gave him the ability to do so. He would have failed, inevitably, but maybe not detrimentally. And maybe therein lies the answer for me.
I can relate to Saul. I can desire the experience, the encounter, the anointing, but I have to remain in the Source. There my failure finds redemption. I can't fear stepping out to serve the Lord based on my impending, inevitable failure. I'm prone to it - everyone is. But am I close enough? Is my heart soft enough? Am I connected to the One who, by His grace, absorbs my failure and extends His favor?