Sunday, July 18, 2010

Wants & Wonderings

Sometimes it’s really difficult for me to be honest about my desires. There are definite things that I want in life, but I struggle even to allow myself to voice them. I don’t know if it’s because I’m afraid that on some level what I want isn’t healthy or right, or because maybe I feel like only the less spiritual would admit such longings. Regardless, I have dreams and hopes and desires yet unmet.

I’m not bitter. I’m not cynical or desperate or hopeless. I guess I’m just wondering. I’m wondering when and where and why and how and IF all these bottled-up wants will come about. I suppose you’re thinking that my longings have to do with getting married, having a family, typical girl stuff.

They do.

But that’s not all.

I want to stop being insecure.
I want to have discipline.
I want to write and actually enjoy it.
I want to travel the world and make Christ and His love known.
I want to be okay with hard work and sacrifice.
I want to feel beautiful.
I want to feel established as a grown-up.
*the fact that I say “grown-up” instead of “adult” attests to my lack of feeling established
I want to be entrusted with something bigger than me.
I want people to see more than niceness and sweetness when they look at me.
I want to be bold and confident and unshakable.
I want a man to think I’m adorable.
I want to never wonder if that man will stop loving me.
I want to raise children consecrated to God and His purposes.
I want to sing and play the guitar really well.
I want to be healthier.
I want to exercise and eat right and actually see it through.
I want to know my dad.
I want to break down misconceptions concerning God.
I want my life to be utterly confounding to those around me.
I want my faith and obedience to challenge and encourage others.
I want my message and preaching to demonstrate the Spirit’s power.
I want to see miracles.
I want every person I meet to know that they’re worthwhile.
I want to laugh really hard every day.
I want contentment.
I want to see whatever it is that Jesus sees in me.
I want to voice my opinions with conviction, even at the expense of looking dumb.
I want to stop fearing rejection.
I want to live on the same continent as my friends and family.
I want to be braver.
I want to NOT want all these things and JUST want Jesus.

It’s hard.

I know these are good things and I know it’s okay for me to want them. What I have to work against is being controlled by them. I have to fight the urge to let their fulfillment, or lack thereof, dictate how I feel about myself, my life, my worth. That’s why I want Christ to replace them. I want Him at the center. If all I want is Him, then I will never be disappointed. Jesus Christ is always a sure thing – His love, His plan, His purpose – and if He is my focus then my satisfaction hinges on Him, not on what He gives or takes away.

“I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength.”  -Philippians 4:12b-13

This China life is teaching me a lot about trusting God.

Please pardon the cheesy graphics (close your eyes or something so you don't have to feel embarrassed watching it), but this song is a beautiful expression of this whole process of trusting God... All My Devotion, by Kristene Mueller

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